Is It What You Expected?

From a blog post on April 2, 2009:

“Someone asked me last night if this is worse than we expected, even though we researched our kids’ issues and went in with our eyes as wide open as possible to parenting reactive attachment disorder. There is no way to answer something like that without living it. Training is training, but the gross stuff is much more gross when you’re dealing with it directly. The behaviors are much more exhausting in real life than in a book or a lecture. Yet, to me, none of that is the hardest part. That’s just “stuff.” What really gets to me is the constant feelings of love and rejection and pain and sympathy and anger and selfishness … and it all comes right back around to the love again … you never stop loving, even when you really, really, really do not like very much the things that they do. They are your children. They are so severely damaged. They are not case studies or words on paper. Nowhere did anyone say, ‘Here’s how you prepare your heart to be beat to a bloody pulp while simultaneously breaking and mourning for the trauma your children endured and continue to suffer through.’ Nobody tells you this because there is absolutely no way to prepare for such a thing. I expected the behaviors. I am not surprised by the running away and the screaming and the breaking and the icky-ick-ick. These emotions, however, are unlike anything I ever expected.”